Gray's Anatomy Lesson

Did you know that you can function without 3 inches of your bowel? This is one of the things I learned this weekend. In addition to the fact that there are clearly not as many supply closets for doctors to have sex in in a real hospital. That there are no on call rooms with nice beds to sleep in. Also that doctors don't just stand around having inappropriate conversations in hallways all day long.

However, I did learn that you can function without this much of your bowel and how did I find this out? Well my mom had to have emergency surgery to remove part of her bowel, her appendix and an abscess. The worst part was trying to comfort her on the way down to surgery when she thought that she was going to die. That broke my heart trying to console her and tell her she was going to wake up and there was nothing to worry about.

Thank goodness for the wonderful health care professionals at LHSC in London. The nursing staff was fantastic even when they were trying to figure out when I was leaving so they could do their job.

Believe it when you see it

I used to scoff at "those" pet people. The ones who paid an arm and a leg for medical tests or procedures to save their four legged friends. How could they spend ALL that money on something as silly as a pet?

That was until I got a pet of my own. Until I fell in love with a four legged fur ball. Until I managed to let a tiny little man infiltrate my life as wholly as this one did. I have become one of "those" people.

The other night I came home from work to discover my little man was limping. My little man would cry if you touched his leg. My little man was suffering. And I cried. I actually said the words "my poor baby" and I called the 24 hour vet. I took him for xrays. I paid a lot more money than I expected to find out what was wrong with his leg.

Turns out he got his leg stuck somewhere in the laundry room. I believe he got it jammed in the cat door and tried to yank it out. And it was bruised, and damaged, and he was in pain. My poor baby was injured and there was nothing I could do.

Then I brought him home and he cried for his sister. So I brought him down to the laundry room to her (there was flooring being installed and she's got an issue with peeing on things still...) and when I went to check on him yesterday, he was nowhere to be found.

I believe what escaped my lips was "oh don't do this to me again!". I found him. He was hiding behind the washing machine and I had to coax him out with a feather toy. Now he lays on the floor beside me in his pink cast that he has to drag along behind him and he looks at me with these big sad eyes and it breaks my heart.

Yes, I have become one of "those" people. The people who fall in love with a furry little animal who hides behind washing machines, gets themselves stuck in kitten doors, and pees on beds. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

All good things...

Dexter and Oliver, July 2009

My cousin's beloved kitten Dexter passed away last night. It was weird really. Sudden and completely unexpected. He had been acting funny most of the day. Really jumpy and nervous. He was playing really rough with the baby and it was out of the ordinary for him. Later on, he was standing at the window and suddenly jumped in the air. He landed funny and seized up. Then he started breathing funny and finally stopped breathing.

We never had pets growing up so I had no idea what to do, what to expect, what happens. I wrapped him in a towel and brought him to my aunts house. My uncle was going to bury him next to her other beloved cat--Mouse who passed away a few weeks ago after suffering from cancer.

It's strange how pets become so entwined in your life. How they become a part of your family and you adore them the way you do. And it's equally strange how empty you feel when something happens. Oliver keeps looking for his buddy. He'll meow and look around. If he hears something that makes him think of Dexter he gets all excited and then walks back to the living room. He spent most of the day sleeping under the table--Dexter's favourite spot.

Rest in peace Dex. You were a great cat. Life just won't be the same without you.

Fool me once

Apparently I do have something to say. And really, I shouldn't lower myself to this place but I am so angry right now I really must.

Turns out, someone is saying some really hateful untrue things about me. Like how I took advantage of them. Or how I disrespected them. Or how I broke their hearts.

Funny, these are the same people who bashed me to members of the family, who said bad things about me to their friends before all of this happened, who were willing to go after innocent people in the process in order to accomplish their own goals.

Guess this is what you get for being honest, for not wanting to get involved, for trying to stay true to the person you are.

But then again, what did I expect? After all, a child learns what they live, and if they live with lies, they learn that that's acceptable behaviour.

It's just unfortunate that my reputation had to suffer. Believe what you want about me, but I can tell you this, if you believed that I was a good person because of the time you've spent with me or the interactions you've had with me, then you'll know what the truth really is. And who you should believe.

Silence is deadly

So...I've been thinking about this blogging thing. In a way that makes me think that maybe it's time to just move along. As in, I have nothing left to say. Well, I do have plenty to say, just not here.

The thing is, I started this thing four years ago. Four years ago my life was really different. I was living on my own in an apartment I hated. I had two jobs and still couldn't make ends meet. I hated both jobs and thought that I would never find a job that allowed me to do the things I really wanted to do. I honestly felt that life sucked and was never going to get better. Oh, did I mention I was two months away from my 30th birthday and thought that life was going to end for me then because I wasn't married or had kids? Ya, that too.

I pretty much spent my time complaining about life and the people around me. So much so that I worried about my own sanity. But then life suddenly changed. I got a new job. I moved to a new city. I started doing new things. And then the other shoe dropped. For those who have been around since the beginning, you know this is a clone of the first blog but with a more watered down feel. I made the mistake of airing my ID one day and thought better of it and shut it down. From that point on I talked about nothing of importance and just filled people in on things.

I've been honest. I've been candid. I've put myself out there. But sometimes it wasn't always good to do so. Some people took advantage of this and tried to use it against me. Some people made comments about it. Some people took it completely out of context. And that made me sad. Because what had started as a way to just talk and to share my life with people who didn't get to talk to me every day had become something I didn't like.

Don't get me wrong, there are people who read this and know all about me and share my ups and downs with me. But these are also people who I talk to on a regular basis and can do so without the addition of the blog. Facebook and now Twitter have taken over my spare time on the computer and really, with what I do on a daily basis, sitting in front of a computer trying to think of something clever to say really doesn't work so well.

So that leads me to this. I'm going to put the blog on hiatus. Maybe I'll have something to say in the future. Maybe I won't. I just don't feel right deleting it all together but I also don't want to be honest and commit to posting something all the time. I'm not really this great writer who has clever things to say all the time. I'm just me. And if you really want to talk to me, why don't you email me? Because really, reading this makes me sad since what I say is really half of who I am.

Thanks for joining me. Maybe we'll chat soon.

Good News

This week I've received two days of good news.

First, on Monday at my chiropractor. I mentioned to him the surgery I had had and part of it was to alleviate some pressure on my back and shoulders. He told me that he noticed there was a difference in several of the discs in my shoulder blade and neck area. He said that normally you don't see that much of a difference so soon but three of them were already realigning themselves. This was very good news to me.

Then today, I was given a great deal of praise at work and thanked for my dedication and commitment to the work no matter what was going on. Considering some of the crap that has hit the fan over the last few months and how I felt just two months ago, this was very welcome.

So you can imagine my happiness this week. I'm very grateful that things are going well. And I hope they continue to do so.

Love

Further proof I have the most adorable nieces...

My oldest niece says to me (about my surgery) "I hope you're not going to become addicted to your pain killers."
Me: "no, I stopped taking them last week".
Her: "Ok good because becoming addicted to drugs is bad".

Change

Yesterday I said goodbye to our temporary manager.

I'm not really one of those people who handles change all that well. It's actually kind of funny considering I'm the middle child of five. Being in a family of that many you learn many things like patience, tolerance, fairness, and the other hard lessons of life. Which sounds funny but it's true. You learn to adapt and that you don't always get your own way.

Which goes back to me not liking change. In this job, I've learned a lot and have had a great deal of change going on. When I took it, the biggest difficulty was being so far from my family. My sisters were at least two hours away (one was four) and I just felt like I was so far from everyone that knew me. Adapting to that was difficult.

Thankfully I worked with a fantastic woman who I leaned on as a friend and we suffered through and survived. I dubbed us soldiers in the trenches. This job was that kind of job. Always a battle, always some hurdle to get past, always some sort of unique challenge to overcome. When you live in that situation you learn to adapt, to tolerate, to get through.

In a small office, you bond, you get close and you tend to survive things together. Which is why it was somewhat hard to say goodbye to our temporary manager yesterday. She was a great mentor, a great sounding board, a fantastic friend. When you work with a tyrant, it's not difficult to let them go, but when you work with someone who believes in you and treats you with this level of respect, it's sad to see them go.

As happy as I am to have my friend back on Monday from her maternity leave, it's still going to be odd to not see our other manager every day. It's like losing a daily friend. And for us, this will be a unique change. So you can imagine my little bit of sadness when I locked the door behind her yesterday.

Change is good in some instances, but sometimes it's kind of sad.

Did you say it?

I've been off on leave for a week now because of surgery I had last week. Nothing serious. Just regular run of the mill fix me up surgery.

But it's not that that has me in this weird mood tonight. Rather, the time I've had to think that might have been contributing to it.

Last week I got some very devastating news about someone I care about. News that you really don't expect and that punches you in the gut when it happens. I didn't want to think badly about it but I know that it isn't going to end well. And the one thing this person has taught me, is how to love unconditionally. How to recognize the blessings in your life. How to fight for what you believe in. How to be a good person. How to just sit back and let life lead the way.

That set me into thinking about other stuff. And it made me think about the people in my life. The people who make my life what it is. The people I love. How they came here, what purpose they came here for. What they've taught me. How I've learned from them. What impact they've had on my life. It's amazing how one little act can lead to a part of life that fulfills you and makes you whole. Or how someone you wouldn't have even expected can teach you to be a better person when you thought you were the best person you can be.

I also thought about how you need to say it. That's one thing this person taught me. That you can't live your life afraid to say what's on your mind. Afraid to tell people what you want to tell them. That I shouldn't be afraid to say how important someone is to me. So I decided I should say it. And I said it. And I keep saying it.

But sometimes, when you tell someone, it doesn't always elicit the response you hope for. Or the response you are expecting. And in that instance, there's nothing left to say. So I think it's time for me to stop saying it. Because not saying it hurts. But saying it and not saying anything in return hurts more.

So maybe I have nothing left to say.

Thoughts

I travelled up to Toronto this week for a conference and the day I went up was one of those grey overcast days where there are mists on the fields and coming off the water (the train travels along beside Lake St. Clair for a bit...) and it's one of those days I LOVE. I don't know what it is about those scenes but they just make me feel really thoughtful, creative, and full of words that I want to spill on paper.

As is always the case, I end up on the train with students (this time I sat beside a Chiropractic student who made me laugh for most of the 4 hours) and that also gets me thinking.

I always say I don't have regrets...I don't...but there are moments I wish I could go back to different times in my life and say things to my old self. Things that might have made me feel better. So if I could...here are some of the things I would say...

Kids are dumb and they do dumb things, you can't make them like you, and them not liking you doesn't make you a bad person.
No, he is not the only man you're going to love.
Yes, you DO deserve better.
Study harder, take that class and work for it. Because it's worth it.
Respecting an elder does not mean always agreeing with them, but you shouldn't always say that out loud.
Please don't say that.
Please don't say that ever.
Please stop saying that.
Don't be afraid to be who you really are. Because those kids won't be your friends no matter who you act like/talk like/follow.
He/She is going to be a lifelong good friend...be good to them.
Go, live, experience. It will all be here when you're finished.
Get it out of your system now and you'll thank me later.
You really shouldn't buy that.
Listen to your heart. Sometimes it's right.
Believe in yourself.
Don't waste your energy being nervous over someone who isn't worth being nervous over.
Stop worrying so much.
Life is too short to spend it trying to be something you're not.
Laugh as hard as you can as much as you can.
Don't be afraid to try.

Yup, that's me...

Last weekend when I went in to write my two exams the lady in the testing centre said to me "oh so YOU'RE the student..." and I laughed. Yup, that's me. Crazy girl.

Sadly, it took me less time to write TWO exams than the kid writing the exam (and dealing with a killer chest infection) two cubes away. The lady was surprised I finished so quickly but really, there's only so much you can say about federalism and public policy. At least for me. My mind went blank about 20 minutes before I sat down.

And really, two exams wasn't that bad. At least not now. Considering some of the stuff I've had to write and have completed in two hours in my job, this was nothing. At least I got to study for these ones!

Thankfully I have two weeks off to read actual books I like until the next class starts!

Hee!

So my oldest niece has figured out how to email me. Which is entirely too cute. But it's really opened up this big thought process for me and makes me wonder what/how my sister is a) thinking and b) handling things.

You see, for me, my niece is 3. She will always be 3. She will be 3 when she's dying her hair and painting her nails black. She will be 3 when she's out on her first date. She will be 3 when she walks down the aisle or gives birth. Do you get it? She's 3. And that's that.

So this morning I got up and had two emails. One from my sister and one from my niece. Apparently she is all set up with her own email address and everything and is sending me emails. And the emails are so cute I can't stand it. Then we decided to have a little online chat. And her online chat? So cute I can't stand it. I asked her if she wanted to webcam with me instead so I can see her cute little (3 yo) face but she said no, she LIKES TYPING BETTER. And then she starts spelling words wrong and asking me hilarious questions and telling me what we're doing when I come to visit.

See what I mean? CUTE! And 3!

So after a few more hours, she sends me another email asking me what I'm doing now. Which, again, adorable. Love her.

That brings me back to the whole "thinking" thing. I can only imagine what my sister is going through with the whole growing up thing. I don't even want to imagine what she says and how she says it to her kids when she has to teach them about stuff. I was at a loss when said niece sat down beside me and told me she knew what certain "woman" things were (I won't say it...she's 3 remember!!??!!) And then of course I sit and watch all these true stories of kids getting online and bad things happening so really, I don't want to think about that.

But it's all the other stuff too. I mean, you have kids, you bring home this little bundle and you think ok this baby is going to grow up and live happy and be wonderful etc. Then they have to learn about sex and puberty and right and wrong. Don't talk to strangers, don't get into cars, watch what you're doing, be safe, don't use drugs...on and on and on. And considering how disappointing life can be sometimes...and all the drama you go through with the day to day crap, it's hard to think about how to explain that to a kid but also how I'll feel when she goes through it. I know you have to live your life and learn things...but it's still sad when it happens to me, I can only imagine what it will feel like the first time she gets her heart broken. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through that with my own kids!

Kind of makes me worried about having my own kids. Because eventually they're going to grow up and not be 3 anymore.

Yikes!

Where did the time go?

I've been bad...but had nothing really great to say...been busy. Work is keeping me busy so I don't want to do anything at night. Then there's school that's also keeping me busy. Next term, only one course. It's not worth it. And then there's all the other drama in life that causes stress. So you can imagine why I've been so silent.

Dexter is still crazy. His new thing is crawling into the mesh waste paper basket and sitting there looking at me like I'M the one who's nuts. Oh and he became a "man" so we had to quickly nip that one (no pun intended). But he's all better now and just as ferocious when it comes to getting treats and wet food.

I'm sure I'll be back with something more fundamental to say eventually.

Hello?

Ya, you're not the only ones wondering what's up. I've been busy. Lots of stuff going on at work, at home, with school, with friends...the list is endless and it's at the point where if I'm not doing anything with all that, then I'm sleeping.

I'll be back when I have something more interesting to say.

2009!

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year
~ Chantal Kreviazuk


I think I was going through a bit of a down moment when I posted my last entry. I tend to get like that but thanks to some really great people around me, I was reminded of how most of those pit stops were really lessons on the path I'm on.

But then I think about this year and the things that I'm expecting to have happen...I'm going to buy a house this year (nothing planned but I know it's a goal), I'm finishing my public policy program, I'm hoping to take on more responsibility with work, I'm getting even more healthy...lots of good things are expected this year, and who knows what might come along a little unexpectedly.

So good things...positivity...happiness!