Awesome

So you think this family band was awesome?
Well I've got news for you...

We're making a run for the title...

...however, if we could sing on key, we might not have to drink to numb the pain...

This way or that way

Yesterday, at the office, one of my female coworkers brought me this brochure and invited me on a trip with her and a few other people I know. She said "it's a really good opportunity, you should come with us".

Now I know what you're thinking...cult! But it wasn't.

It's an 8 day fabric market tour of Beijing. All inclusive, the total cost includes your flight, accomodations, food, and transportation to all these fabric markets and various other tourist areas of Beijing. Total cost with taxes and fees: $3500.

I kind of went "yelp" at that point. That's a lot of money. She tried to sell me on the whole "well it's all paid for and look at what you get" which was totally worth it.

My problem is this, I just paid about $4000 for tuition and books. Added to that I have to save for a down payment on a car I'm getting in a few weeks and I know I'm going to have another $300-500 for books in January. I'm also trying to save for a house should I be in a different living situation (read: new city) in six months to a year. So you can imagine why I'm on the fence about this one.

I really want to go. But I know that even if I did suck it up and spend the money, it's not just the $3500. I am a total sucker for pretty things so I know I would be buying fabric and purses and clothes and other cute stuff. Then I'd also buy souveniers etc. And then I'd come back and have to buy scrapbook supplies to actually scrapbook the whole tour and we're looking at about $6000 to $8000.

Once a lifetime sure...then there's the lifetime to pay it off that's left!

Change is good

This is what happens when you finally get fed up. This is what happens when you reach the point where you just want to do something to make yourself feel better. This is what happens when you say to your hairdresser "cut it, I don't care". (This is also what happens when you have such a good hairdresser that you can trust them when you say that). This is what happens at the end of a week that started with a full moon.

I could go into details about what made this week suck so much. I could sit and go through every little detail. But that would be pointless. Suffice to say that every little thing contributed to feeling like I was ready to explode. God bless my sister who put up with my venting about everything including a dent in my car door, my tea spilling, and the loss of a prime parking spot this week. Yes, it really was that bad.

When I break, I do so under immense weight of every little thing. And this summer has been full of them. The poor IT help desk person who had to read my email on Friday basically telling them how useless they are (and really, it was deserved since I had to go through several layers of bureaucracy just to have someone removed from an email distribution list). It was one of those weeks where everyone needed to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Which resulted in me finally saying enough is enough with my hair and going in and cutting it all off. I wanted to grow it out a bit, see what it looked like, see if it would be fun to have long glorious hair. But in the end, it only resulted in pony tails, buns on top of the head, and tangles. My hair dresser was so happy when I showed him the photo I liked and said "cut it off, cut it all off, I trust you, make it look good". I think he was happier than I was when it was done!

Change is good. Change works. Change makes you feel better.

TAG, I'm it

I've been tagged by Jen and since I can never say no to a "dare" (or other things for that matter) I have to do it...so here goes:

The rules:

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz.

1.How many songs are on your iPod?

I think about 1700. I've been bad lately. Normally I download the weekly free tune and end up downloading a few other songs that get stuck in my head. The last three weeks my iPod has been sitting in the player rather than in my purse. I think losing it for a few days really screwed with me.

2. What music would you want played at your funeral?

I'll change this one to What would you want people to say at your funeral?

There's so many songs that I absolutely love and they would all be so sullen and sad that it would be hard to think about it (or decide for that matter) so instead I'll say what I want people to say or really think at my funeral. And that would be that I hope people would say that I lived my life. That I had a good life. That it was full of love and laughter. That they admired my choices and my independence and my sense of adventure. And that they would move forward trying to give as much as I have to others.

3.What magazines do you have subscriptions to?

O magazine and O at home, Creating Keepsakes, and these two cake decorating magazines that are actually cool.

4. What is your favorite scent?

Freshly cut grass and new babies.

5. If you had a million dollars that you could only spend on yourself, what would you do with it?

I'd travel and take others with me. Believe it or not, Disney would be my first trip. I know it's not really the rules to spend it on taking others with me but that IS spending it on me. Because you can't really do something fun without someone to enjoy it with. And I'd like to have my friends and family with me. Besides, that's happiness to me, sharing happiness with others.

6. What is your theme song?

If it feels good do it by Sloan. Actually, anything by Sloan because their sound is totally me.

7. Do you trust easily?

Sadly yes. And it's always the wrong people. The good news is, I trust about five people and get burned by four but end up with one really great person to show for it, so that's alright. Besides, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

8. Do you generally think before you act, or act before you think?

Always always always think before I act. Sometimes too long. Which is a downfall in some instances. There's nothing wrong with just doing. (Or just thinking for that matter.)

9.Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

Yes. Lots. Things that I won't get in to. Things that I did allude to in my last blog. But again, what doesn't kill you...

10. Do you have a good body-image?

Yes and no. I beat myself up in moments of black here and there. But for the most part my attitude is this: if they only like me for what I look like, then they aren't worth my time.

11. Is being tagged fun?

It's a good prompt, but I don't know enough people most of the time for these things. It's kind of like those forwards that make you send an email to 1200 people or you'll die in the street from a pumpkin falling from the sky...

12. What websites do you visit daily?

My regular blogs, newspapers, news sites, and some other funny gossipy sites to balance it all out. Facebook of course...but only to see what's new with everyone. The great thing about Facebook is that I have reconnected with piles of people that I lost track of after school and reconnecting with them has meant more to me than I can really explain.

13. What have you been seriously addicted to lately?

Felicity on DVD. And scrabble on the computer.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Strong, caring, trusting, friendly, incredibly smart. She's one of those people who I met with others that burned me and it was a good thing that I trusted her. Her prescence in my life has meant more to me than anything. I turn to her for advice, laughs, escape and fun. She is definitely a kindred spirit.

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head? Change this one too, what's the last thing that got stuck in your head?

It's Peanut from Jeff Dunham...and it's the "search your feelings Jef-fa-fa" stupid thing!!!

16.What’s your favorite item of clothing?

Flannel pyjamas. Or my penguin slip on slippers that I bought at Target last Christmas.

17. Do you think Rice Crispies are yummy?

Mixed with marshmallows and butter and cooled in a pan cut into squares...when I was a kid I would eat them with sugar on them (the cereal with milk) or with Bananas. Yummy.

18. What would you do if you see saw $100 lying on the ground?

Try to find the owner. That still seems like a lot of money to me and it's wrong to keep it. I couldn't live with myself if I kept it. It would just feel wrong.

19. What items could you not go without during the day?

The internet, my car, my phone, food and my glasses. And my people.

20. What should you be doing right now?

Taking a shower and then doing my homework...instead I'm typing, talking to my cousin and procrastinating.

Ok so who to tag...well, I know no one...at least anyone who blogs who HASN'T been tagged so instead I'll say Sara and .Chris, but only because I'd want to see what Sara says and because Chris needs a jump start to blog

"God has a book"

Ah the polka dot dress...but I'll get to that in a minute.

God has a book is the term my cousin used on me yesterday morning after I confessed my deep dark secret from Friday night to her. I wasn't going to confess my deep dark secret because I was ashamed of myself. It related to the night before and I was pretty embarassed, ashamed and mad at myself for what happened.

You see, it was my friend's wedding the night before and I had done something that was completely unexpected, threw me right off guard and embarassed the crap right out of me. Thankfully, I had some really great people around me who understood, got me through it, and helped me see past it.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Month really. There's been drama. And I tried to avoid the drama by staying out of it. Sadly, that brought the intense drama on. And dragged a large group of people into the drama. Making it a case of hard core drama. The result of which was that I had to move. Now, I could have moved into my own place. But with things the way they are (school, not sure how long I'm staying here, lots of other stuff going on) I really didn't want to sign a lease or buy a property. So after a long discussion with my cousin, I decided to move into her place. It's great really, she has a townhouse and she's on nights two weeks at a time. Not to mention that she's single and has a really great attitude to help me through stuff. Which I'll get to in a minute.

Suffice to say that the drama has had me stressed for a good three weeks. To the point where I'm waking up in the middle of the night with really strange dreams that sort of feed off of my deep dark fears, previous stress and stuff that happened at various points in my life. Not that I want to be a victim here, just that I'm having a hard time getting back on my equal footing and I really want to walk out of this nightmare soon.

So we get to Friday. Now, my friend that was getting married has been joking with me about setting me up with one of her husband's coworkers. He seems really nice. And I met him and thought he was cute. However, he's spoken for in the sense that he's not really ready to date anyone "exclusively". Added to that, I've just gotten back into a place where I was ready to date and had been interested in someone else. He ended up sitting behind me at the wedding and listening to him talk to another person there made me seriously think whether or not I wanted to spend time with him (I won't get into it, I just really didn't like his "attitude").

Fast forward to the reception. I went with a friend of mine who worked with both myself and my friend that was getting married. We had joked about going to the wedding together and I loved that she was able to drive the two hours to join me. I really wanted to have someone to go with since I knew no one of note (outside of the bridal party and seeing as the only person I really "knew" was the bride, it was a moot point as she would be busy). And I'm not one of those "high maintenance" guests...I just like to know someone...it's a comfort level thing.

Anyways...my big deep dark secret that embarassed me...I had an anxiety attack as we sat down at our table. And it was a nuclear reactor meltdown sized attack. One like I haven't had in about six years. One like I've had at times in my life that made me wonder if I'm actually going to be able to "live" my life in a normal sense. I mention this because these types of anxiety attacks really upset me and take me to a dark place that I don't like.

So how did it happen. I'm not really sure although I kind of know some of the triggers. I made a joke to my friend about spelling my name wrong and her sister in law was standing there. Then, when walking the receiving line, one of the members made a BIG deal about setting me up with a few single men at the party (which is one of my achilles heel things...I really don't like being set up...especially in that situation, when you're standing in the receiving line, trying to be polite and EVERYONE can hear her making a big deal about you being single and ALONE!) We went and sat down at our table and we were right by the buffet. It was extremely hot in the room and I had been drinking. All triggers...well, it was one drink on an empty stomach...and I don't drink.

It started. I started to get hot, flustered, faint, sick to my stomach. I normally can talk myself out of these things but none of my tricks was working. I got up to use the ladies room and seemed to have collected myself. Sadly, when I got back to the table, the waves hit me again. My friend noticed and high tailed me out of there (god bless her). We were sitting out in the lobby and the bride came out to see me. All. of. the. bridal. party. followed. And her sister in law made a big deal out of my comment about my name being spelled wrong. You can imagine what I was going through internally.

So my friend high tailed me out of that location as well. We went up to the hotel room, changed and decided to get some air. We thought maybe if I was out of the dress, away from the situation and not thinking about it I would calm down and feel better.

Not so much.

I started feeling like I had let my friend down, that I let my date down, that she had driven all this way to go and I had made her leave. That people would notice. That people would wonder. All of these stupid little things I shouldn't have been worrying about but I was. My friend saw just how bad these things get for me when I had to have her pull her car over so I could get some "air".

I wasn't going to tell anyone but then had to confess to my sister. If I hide it, it makes it worse. My cousin happened to see the conversation we were having (by MSN) and I had to confess to her. We ended up talking for a couple of hours about it which is where the "God has a book" comment came in. She really made me see that this is something I have to get through to be the person I'm meant to be.

People don't really understand it until they see it happening. And they realize just how forceful it is. And then they understand how hard it is for me to stop it. Now that one was a bad one, and I haven't had one of those in about six years...not since I was 'involved' with a guy I really wanted a future with and got a little scared about the situation. I can only think of my therapist and her reaction the next day when she said "Good, you survived, now you can move on!" Uh, not so much...

My friend (the bride) called me today to chat and was so great about it. It proved to me that my worries about how I acted and what I did were really for naught. But still, in the moment, I can't really think that way and it's hard to dig myself out of the situation that I'm in.

I don't know if it's going to happen again. I don't know if it will be that bad. What I do know is that I will get through it. I have to get through it. I have to move past it. I have to get stronger. These things aren't happening as often as they were when I was younger (imagine an entire year of university suffering daily with this thing) but they do take me off guard when they do happen. Thankfully I have great people around me who help me see past the dark stuff and bring me back into the light. Which is why I don't want to hide it, or be ashamed of it. The more people who know, the more people who can help me stop being afraid of who I'm meant to be.

As for the polka dot dress...well, it was everything I hoped it would be. Made me feel really happy to wear. I looked great. I felt great (when I wasn't all anxious) and I enjoyed the time I did spend at my friend's wedding.